It’s been such a strange few months. I started the year with a new job – a job that I was desperate to do but then decided wasn’t for me. I (reluctantly) took a break from my book. I went freelance, and moved house – twice.
I’m fairly confident in saying that this time last year, certainly the year before, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do a lot of these things. Moving out of home was something that I was aware could push me over the edge even now, let alone a year ago – especially as I chose to do it at the same time as going freelance. Being self-employed presents a whole new list of worries, and a new lifestyle to go with it. And then I moved again. And then I picked my book back up again.
I’m not a risk-taker and I never really have been. I always preferred sticking to what I know and sitting firmly in my comfort zone, knowing exactly what to expect, when. My focus was always to be prepared for anything: my anxious mind wanting to know exactly what was going to happen and what it would be like, so that I could always be ready. I was always worried that my life was becoming smaller and smaller: what I did, where I went, who I had. I became a robot, trying to survive every day doing the same thing – because I knew it.
I never would have imagined that I’d make the changes I’ve made. And certainly not all at the same time.
For a period of about a year or so, I was sick every day. I was so anxious that it took over every aspect of my life and I couldn’t function in the same way anymore. I wondered if I would ever function again. If I ever wanted to function again. After trauma therapy I decided that my life was worth more.
Now I live with my boyfriend and run my business from our home. I like it. When I made the decision to be self-employed, I made the decision to create a lifestyle that I wanted. It could be whatever I wanted it to be, and so I designed a life I wanted to live. We have great neighbours, great friends and great families. I love my job and I love our home. I love my lifestyle.
And it’s all because I kept on going – even when I didn’t want to.