This is something that I’m going through at the moment and, the more I think about it, the more I realise that other people have probably experienced exactly what I’m experiencing. So I decided to write about it.
Anxiety disorders can make every day difficult. Depression can make every day difficult. CPTSD can make every day difficult. Introduce a big lifestyle change into the mix and, you’ve got a whole load of difficult.
I recently made the decision to leave my job. I went into it straight from school at eighteen and was there throughout all of my major mental health difficulties. Luckily the company was really supportive and made things easier for me during that time but with recovery came the realisation that, actually, this is just a safe space for me. It had become a comfort zone. A comfort zone so comfortable that I wasn’t pushing myself. I wasn’t learning. I wasn’t doing anything new. So I started to think about it properly. Do I enjoy what I’m doing? Is it something I still want to do? The answers to these questions (as well as some other contributing factors) meant that I made the decision to leave. This time last year, I couldn’t even consider it. I knew I was unhappy but I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just so scared of doing anything different. I had a routine. People I knew. A place I knew. Changing all of those things was a huge deal.
Understandably, leaving a job and getting a new one is a scary process for many people. However, having an anxiety disorder meant that I completely over analyse a lot of things. Would I be able to get another job? Will I be able to cope with a new routine? What if nobody likes me? What if I don’t like it? What if I’m still unhappy? What if I get sacked? Do I really want to start again? Actually, starting again was exactly what I needed to do. Don’t get me wrong, some of those feelings are still present. I’m still unsettled. I still feel a bit sick. I’m still a little on edge. I’m still worrying what people think of me and my capabilities. But every day, things start to become more normal and I get used to the new routine but the main thing that I’ve noticed is that I’m dealing with it better. I’m feeling much happier in myself which allows me to deal with the whole transition a lot more easily.
On the morning of starting my new job I felt unbearably nauseous and had severe stomach pains but, I did it. I did it and, as soon as I got there, it started to go away. Dealing with the transition from one routine to the other is never easy. It’s not easy anyway, let alone when it brings anxiety symptoms, too. But every day I become a little more settled, people become more familiar and I become more comfortable with what I’m doing. As soon as I walked in the door I knew I’d made the right decision and, now I wish to make the best of the opportunity I’ve got. I’m pleased I’ve made it to this point. It has been a massive deal for me to do this but boy, am I glad that I did. Sounds obvious, but making the decision to put my wellbeing first and do something that I enjoy and getting myself out of something that I didn’t enjoy has been such a positive change. I know this won’t always be the same for everybody in every situation BUT, to me, it was worth the risk. It has been worth the anxiety. I know that what I’m experiencing is only short-term and it gets easier each day.
All I’m saying is that you have to put yourself and your wellbeing first, even when it’s scary. Be brave enough to make a change. Better yourself. Always try to be courageous and, importantly, be proud of yourself for it.