I have to be honest this week hasn’t been great. Last week’s session was the most difficult yet so I was absolutely exhausted and feeling quite low afterwards. Luckily my boyfriend came home with my favourite chocolate – and lots of it! Because of all this though I was feeling quite unsettled about how it was going to go this week. I feel like this week I went back to how I had been before these sessions started. Over the last couple of weeks I’d really seen improvements. I was motivated, positive, and at some points I’d go as far to say I was happy. This made it really disheartening this week – it feels a bit like one step forward, two steps back. However, I’ve said this many times and I’ll say it again until you’re sick of reading it (if you’re not already): recovery is not a straight line.
This week’s session was much better than the last. After each round of EMDR my therapist asks me to go back to that memory, thought, feeling, and tell her how disturbing I find it out of ten. We finished off what I was dealing with last week and when she asked me that million-dollar question, all I could say was ‘I feel nothing’. And I meant it. Not in the way that I’d experienced before with my mental health – that numbness of literally feeling nothing about anything – but simply, it just doesn’t bother me. I’m not phased. Fancy reliving a trauma last week and coming back and saying ‘I’m not bothered about this.’
This is the way it should be. This is what happens when we deal with trauma correctly. Our brains move it over to the long-term memory and we don’t feel anything for it. We can’t forget it, it will always be there, but there’s no emotion attached to it.
I find this incredible. Well, it’s what’s supposed to happen, it’s what we set out to do when I started these sessions and it’s why EMDR is used for trauma but how wonderful it is to stare a traumatic event straight ‘in the face’ and feel absolutely nothing towards it. I have to be honest, it’s not until writing this that I actually realised how far I’ve come. It’s empowering. It’s like standing in front of somebody who really, really wronged you and saying actually you know what? You don’t bother me.
There are still one or two things I’d like to cover in the coming weeks but I’m nearly there. My therapist is incredible and hey, I’m a lot stronger than I thought.