Tonight I had my third therapy session. If you’re up to date on this little series you’ll already be aware that I’ve started EMDR therapy to hopefully help me deal with PTSD. Tonight’s session was a little different in that we didn’t focus on past traumas as originally planned, we focused on something else that’s affecting me currently.
You’re probably going to laugh.
On Friday I have a blood test. I think it’s pretty safe to say that nobody likes blood tests and most people find them uncomfortable. Blood tests terrify me. Past experience has indicated that sometimes my body doesn’t react well – possibly due to iron deficiency, that’s what they’re checking again – and often I faint or vomit. So here I am the week before my appointment struggling with anxiety yet again about the fact that I have a blood test on Friday. Instead of cancelling or trying to avoid thinking about it altogether – I’m really bad for this, I don’t recommend it – my therapist said that we’d work on it tonight to hopefully make my experience on Friday more bearable.
One of the main anxiety triggers for me is the feeling of simply not being able to cope. This became very apparent for me whilst in the depths of depression and every time I get that familiar feeling of shit, I really can’t do this, anxiety becomes a real problem for me. Do you ever get that feeling of being so worried about something or scared of it that you feel like you genuinely can’t do it? This is how I feel about blood tests.
So we worked on it. My therapist moved her hands and my eyes followed – stopping in places to see what would come up, what I was experiencing, thinking, feeling – and it was quite odd but, again, interesting. My brain made connections between events and occasions of past blood tests, other medical experiences and general bits and bobs. My body felt hot, twitchy, my thoughts negative, then positive.
But did it work? At the moment I feel fine – exhausted, but fine – I’m yet to find out. I’ll find out on Friday and let you know in next week’s therapy update. Wish me luck!
P.S. This post may make no sense and be full of rambly junk but please forgive me – this therapy process is quite exhausting for not only my eyes, but my whole mind and body. Bear with.