I have a little thing in life which helps me to make decisions. “Is this what five-year-old Hannah would have wanted?” If not, it’s probably not right for me.
When I had therapy last year, I learnt to practice self-compassion and gained an understanding of the little girl I used to be, the one that experienced more than any child should, which would then develop into the CPTSD I’m now working with much later. Upon gaining this understanding I developed an interesting relationship with little me and made the decision that my life would be lived for her; she deserves to have a good life, and only I can give it to her. This has resulted in putting this pressure on myself to have the best possible life that I can, and not settling for anything that makes me unhappy. Whilst you might think that this is right – and I go on to everyone everyday about putting wellbeing first – it’s not easy to sustain.
I’ve quit two jobs this year. They made me stressed and unhappy so I gave them up. Now I have nowhere to go, and no idea of where I want to go. Working full time whilst working towards a manuscript deadline for the book you’ve dreamt of writing since forever (five year old Hannah would definitely be happy with this) isn’t easy. Piling more things onto my plate only means that things gradually fall off, so I’ve had to prioritise. The book has to end up being what I want it to be, or I’ll be gutted. This is my dream and it’s happening, so it has to be right.
At the moment it just feels like I can’t adult. People work 9-5 everyday of their lives, earn money and are happy doing so. I’m not. Earning a living, trying to save money to move out, doing something I enjoy, writing a book and maintaining a healthy mindset are all things that seem equally important but they don’t all work together. It seems that to earn a decent amount of money and being able to afford to move out with my partner means doing a job I don’t like, all day, every day. Living for the weekends. Writing a book that you want to be great from 7pm – 11pm or all weekend. But I want to recharge at the weekend. And where does a blog come into all of this? The things that I love to do, can’t make me an income. The things that can make me an income, make me unhappy. How do you make this decision?
Maybe this is just adult life and maybe everyone, everywhere sacrifices their happiness for their career, and that’s just a decision that everybody makes. But I’m not completely convinced. So here I am on the hunt for the perfect compromise – I don’t even want to earn a fortune, just enough to live and be healthy. One day it will all work out and I’ll find the solution in whatever form it takes – maybe I’ll learn that this is just what people do: you choose money or happiness – or maybe I’ll find what works for me. Ultimately, I just want to be happy.