An Open Letter to Depression

untitled-design

I don’t blame you for choosing me. After things that have happened and the cards that I was dealt in the early stages of life it doesn’t surprise me that we met. I don’t blame you. I don’t even hate you. I have come to learn in life that forgiveness brings peace. I am doing this not for you – I am not bothered by your wellbeing – but for me. My wellbeing is important and if anyone taught me that, it’s you.

When I first saw you, I didn’t know you. I had no idea who or what you were and what you’d do to me and my life. I was uneducated. I’d heard of you, but because of stigma and a lack of education, you weren’t what I’d imagined. You gave me a tough time. You made me question everything – about life, purpose, myself, the world – and forced me into tears, medication and physical illness. But now, two years on, I know all of these things – all of the things that you tried to take away, instead, you gave me them.

Life. It’s short. At one point, I didn’t know if I wanted one. And then, because of you, I learned the meaning of love, friendship, support and companionship and it gave me life. It made me want to live. You tried to take this away and you didn’t. You made it stronger.

Purpose. Before you I didn’t know what I wanted. For a bit I thought I’d become a police officer or a lawyer or an entrepreneur, and then I got a job in marketing and I love it, but because of you I have passion. I know what you do. I know what it’s like to have you in my shadow and because of this I work every day to stop you from destroying other people’s light in the way that you did mine. I know the importance of hope. You tried to take my purpose away and you didn’t. You made me realise what it really was.

Myself. Nobody’s perfect and we all have our flaws but actually, I’m a pretty strong person. Being unable to see who I was only made it clearer when I came back.

The world. You made me think that the world and all people in it were awful. I doubted human nature and saw only the negatives in both people and the world as a whole. But because of you, I made incredible friends and received support like no other. Because of you I started a blog. Because of you I know the value of unconditional and extraordinary love.

You gave me hell, but to live now is heaven. I don’t doubt for one second that you did well. At some points you really did win. But this final battle is mine.

Share:

12 Comments

  1. Milly
    September 14, 2016 / 11:29 am

    This is truly amazing. Xxx

  2. September 14, 2016 / 1:17 pm

    So much love for this post. Absolutely brilliant.
    Thank you. It’s always so comforting to know you are not alone in this world that is sometimes consumed by depression. So thank you for writing about it.
    Holly

  3. September 14, 2016 / 1:49 pm

    This is incredible! Thank you for posting this.

  4. Nicole
    September 14, 2016 / 3:32 pm

    This is truly beautiful and inspiring! I’m so proud of you Hannah! I literally have tears in my eyes! You are so strong, your such an inspirational! You should be proud of how much you have achieved xx

  5. Sophie
    September 14, 2016 / 3:55 pm

    In tears after reading this, while it breaks my heart to know you experienced this it makes me beyond happy to read that final part “living is heaven.” it gives me hope i too can get to that point, but mostly i am happy FOR YOU, because you seem like the loveliest person who deserves every happiness xxx

    • Hannah
      September 14, 2016 / 3:56 pm

      Oh girly don’t cry! There absolutely is hope and I’m glad this post reminded you of that. Thank you xxx

  6. September 15, 2016 / 12:47 pm

    What a beautiful post! I often think of my depression and anxiety in terms of what it actually gave me… it turns out quite a lot! For one, I never knew how strong I actually was until I had to find my invisible infinite pool of strength in order to exist another day. Even though my battles have been long and hard and it might be a life-long war… I’m sometimes grateful for for having to fight too. That sounds really odd, but I do think that I’m better because of it.

  7. September 17, 2016 / 6:46 pm

    ‘living is heaven’. Yes. Thank you so much for this, Hannah – and I’m so glad things are looking sunnier for you.
    Lx | Lightly We Go

  8. Laura
    October 17, 2016 / 7:33 pm

    Great post! Thanks for sharing ❤️

  9. Neil
    November 13, 2016 / 8:04 pm

    Really lovely and well written thanks

  10. April 9, 2017 / 1:20 pm

    Your gifts for words is tremendous Hannah ! I love the flow and your structure here, and positive attitudes. You are a light in my world and am glad you have beaten this depression.

    Thank you for your kindness and support, qualities you’ve learned despite of depression. You’re a wonderful friend and a muse. I love you for that.

Leave a Reply